You can never really know what is in another person’s head, or be sure that they have heard what it is that you have said. I feel what we all look for is to be understood and accepted and loved, even when we are unlovable. Especially when we are unlovable. It is far easier to judge someone than it is to understand someone. Even with deep understanding, some judgment often remains. And within that judgment lies the feeling of separateness that strikes fear at the very core of your being. Fear of not being right, fear of being alone, fear of never really feeling seen and honored for who we are by another human being. And when that judgment comes from someone who you have bared your soul to, it is perceived as a most vicious betrayal that cuts you deep and closes another door.
We use that judgment as a shield to protect us from another’s inexcusable behavior. That judgment is the very wall of our own making that keeps us trapped in loneliness. It’s a weapon that we wield in order to set us apart from and above the other. We comfort ourselves from our soapbox: “I may not be perfect, but they are really messed up.” In our most honest efforts to help, we open ourselves to try and express to them the “error of their ways”, but at the same time we are forgetting the many examples of our own inexcusable behavior.
And people are often flawed in their thinking and actions, but does that make them worse than you…or does it just make them human like you? Even in the most idealized upbringing (if there is such a thing), there’s going to be hurts and scars along the way that will color that child’s experiences and therefore their behaviors as adults. And if others continue to “make them wrong”, it only drives that child to want to push that person away who, in all their most honest efforts, is just “trying to help them see the error in their ways”. But by who’s standard?
Wouldn’t it be far more effective to just curl up inside that difference with the other person rather than making them feel wrong? Really just sink in there with them and listen without judgment or fear until that child inside them feels seen and heard. Discover together the structure of the issue at hand and realize that it is this same structure that is also at work inside of you. Realize in that moment that you also have a child inside of you that feels betrayed and not seen or heard. Only then can we, as humans, really relate at a very intimate level. Only then can we feel open enough trust that it is safe to listen and see issues from other perspectives. Only then can we allow another to be who they are without feeling like we have compromised who we are.
Understanding and accepting another person’s behavior is not the same as condoning it. It’s simply about not limiting yourself and not making yourself separate and apart from them. It’s about realizing that the structure behind the behavior that you are at odds with is also at work inside of you, but that it is simply manifesting in a way that seems out of sink with your idealized version of how people should behave. It is the very same structure that has caused you to think and do and say things in the past that you wish you could have done differently, and that is causing you to judge the other’s behavior now. You arrive at a place of grace and clarity, and you realize that understanding and accepting another person’s behavior is about compassion for yourself, rather than judgment of yourself, in another.
hey Carolyn; enjoyed that conversation and the post i randomly selected from your prolific site… you have no doubt done it over time but are quite fluent with language. i invite you to have a peek at my paintings… http://www.thinkspeak.net or political cartoons toons.thinkspeak.net i’ll check into your blog periodically… thanks bushels.